Tramore news

Fat man in yellow jacket seen riding a bike

2008-06-16T08:46:00.004+01:00

There have been widespread sightings in the Tramore area of what has been described as a ‘big fat fuck in a yellow jacket cycling around the place’.

Little is certain about the cyclist except that the subject is male, wears a yellow jacket and, as one witness put, ‘is a great big wobbly bucket of lard’. So far he has been spotted in a number of locations around the town and in Waterford city, and the site of the portly peddler has set tongues wagging throughout the district.

Taken individually, it is nothing unusual, but it’s the combination of his physique, his riding of a bicycle and the fact that he is wearing a yellow jacket that has created the stir. As one witness said, ‘I’ve seen plenty of stumpy fucks in my time but never one like this lardy arsed bollocks! And never one wearing a yellow jacket and riding a bike at the same time. I couldn’t fucking believe it! I mean, what are the chances?’

For how long the peddling pudding in yellow will be on the scene is hard to know. He’s certainly attracting interest. While it could be argued that he can’t be blamed if people are drawn to him, others are less charitable about his motives.

‘You can’t tell me he’s not looking for attention. He’s a great big barrel of blubber, with a dirty great big heaving, floppy arse hanging over the seat of his bike. And what’s with the yellow jacket? I mean, come on!’

What happens next is anyone’s guess. It could be that he will soon go to ground in the wake of all the adverse publicity surrounding him and his possible motives. However, with so little known about him, who’s to say what his next move will be. There have already been unconfirmed sighting in the Woodstown area of what a witness described as a ‘fat, slimy sack of shit riding a bike’. It would appear that far from going quietly, he intends to expand his domain.

We await his next move with interest.

Foul stench coming from Dunmore East

2008-05-22T18:08:00.005+01:00

What is the extraordinarily pungent smell that has been hanging like a cloud over Dunmore East recently?

First appearing sometime in mid-March, it has got progressively worse and has begun to spread towards Tramore. People have struggled to find words to accurately describe the stench, being variously described as like ‘a family of chipmunks who’ve been eating nothing but pilchards and cottage cheese for a month’, and ‘a walrus with a three week old avocado in one ear, a stuffed parsnip in the other, and a decomposing ferret hanging from it’s tusks’.

Whatever way you wish to describe it, what is undeniable is that the smell is not pleasant. Dunmore residents have taken to wearing gas masks to escape the smell. The fear now is that the putrid whiff will reach Tramore, with Pickardstown residents already complaining that washing left out to dry often comes in, and I quote, smelling ‘like a Belarusian chimney sweep’s been smoking kippers off it’.

The danger is that the whiff may reach the strand area. With the dump now consigned to history and a blue flag restored, the last thing Tramore needs is a smell, described by one Dunmore resident as like a ‘cancerous mongoose’, hanging over it. The council are said to be working frantically behind the scenes to prevent the odorous cloud reaching the town.

At this stage it would appear council authorities are pursuing a policy of containment rather than eradication, as no one has been able to establish the source of the smell. Experts have been called in from as far a field as Rathgormack and Portlaw to attempt to solve the puzzle, but are said to be baffled by the problem. One eminent scientist working on the case said ‘I’ve never come across anything like it. It smells like a sack of onions that have been coated in marmalade and stuffed inside a dead otter’s rotting carcass’.

Talk of a foul odour emitting from Dunmore will come as no surprise to Tramorites of a certain vintage. Many have long considered their Dunmore neighbours to have a particular smell. This dates back to the 1930s, when a common expression in the region was ‘smelly as a Dunmore man’.

One oft-recounted story, as recently as 1974, is of a wedding of a couple of mixed stock. It is said the Tramore half of the attendants got violently sick such was the awful stench emanating from the other half of the congregation. According to one celebrant, the smell was ‘like a bag of weasels, soaked in red lemonade, and left to gestate under a Ukrainian fisherman’s bed’.

However up to this point no one has ever suggested that the Dunmore scent, if such a thing exists, is independent of its inhabitants. If this is the case, and it’s moving, it could prove a disaster for a Tramore still reeling from the discovery of a two-headed rat on the backstrand as well as a possible outbreak of the more traditional one-headed version of the species (see below). It’s incumbent on our leaders that they contain this awful reek…how much more can we take?

Protestants on the rise

2008-05-08T13:00:00.003+01:00

It is being whispered that higher echelons of the Catholic Church in Tramore and county are getting increasingly concerned at the perceived increased influence of ‘alien’ religions in the region, specifically Protestantism.

Historically looked on as a West Brit stronghold by outsiders, Tramore has long had to struggle to prove its Catholic, and therefore ‘Irish', credentials. The church has been at the forefront of this theological battle, and has generally succeeded. However they are now said to be worried that their considerable influence in the town is waning.

It is said that they are laying the blame for their demise on the increased influence of Protestantism in the town. While the faith has a long history in the town, its members have generally shied away from promoting their standards and beliefs too visibly. However with their influence and numbers growing all the time, they are at last beginning to come out of the shadows.

Of course most Tramorites, whatever the faith, will be delighted to see different religious denominations coming to the forefront of town life. To many, protestant values will be a welcome counterpoint to the slovenly, ill-disciplined, drunken, sexually deviant and generally immoral ways that have, perhaps unfairly, come to be associated with Catholicism.

The catholic hierarchy, however, may look on things somewhat differently. While most will plead for a continuation of the present, occasionally tense, truce between the faiths, there are others who will take a more aggressive standpoint.

There has already been a marked chill in relationships with another even smaller minority religion. One prominent catholic recently complained that ‘you can’t walk down Main Street without stepping over bloody Talibanis (racist slur for Muslims) praying towards the Metal Man (the Metal Man lies in the path of Mecca)’, showing a staggering insensitivity and ignorance of the Islamic faith.

Indeed the increase in faiths has begun to influence all manner of facets of Irish life. A recent hurling match was delayed when one of the players, a practising Buddhist, attempted to set fire to himself in protest at a disputed goal.

It is to be hoped that, rather than attempt to stamp out disparate faiths, our religious leaders can instead welcome them. It is imperative on the catholic clergy that, instead of trying to crush dissenters of the ‘one true faith’, they revel in the diversity. If Portlaw can do it, so can we!

Pregnant two-headed rat found on backstrand

2008-04-24T19:01:00.001+01:00

The bizarre discovery of a two-headed rat near the waste disposal unit on the site of the old dump this weekend could not have come at a worse time for council authorities, already having to deal with fears that the town’s vermin population is getting out of hand (see 'Is Tramore facing a rat epidemic?' below).

A local man dropping off unwanted electrical appliances at the site made the find. Perhaps even more disconcerting, the creature appeared to be female, and bore signs of having just given birth. Whether this is cause for undue concern, or merely a one-off freak of nature, remains to be seen.

Either way, it is in an unfortunate development that has lead to a swathe of possible explanations, many relating to the highly secretive racecourse development on the backstrand (see 'What’s REALLY happening on the back-strand' below).

More on this story to follow….

Will the real Metal Man please stand up!

2008-04-17T19:06:00.003+01:00

Ah the Metal Man, beloved symbol of Tramore. Eternally warding off would be shipwreckees from the rocks below merely by pointing at them. And dressed as 19th century dandy to boot! It’s actually a little odd when you get to thinking about it.

The slightly camp manner of the great (metal) man is generally overlooked by Tramorites. As the sun rises in the east, so too does the metal man stand, in all his heterosexual pomp, ever pointing seawards. The whys and wherefores have long since been forgotten. He is simply the Metal Man, ‘nuff said.

So is the MM all he pertains to be? Was he the best that Lloyds of London could come up with in 1823 as they pondered how best to lead wayward sailors away from the perilous rocks below? Or did he perhaps serve another purpose? Students of Victorian Britain’s bathing habits have long suggested the latter was the case.

19th Britain had an odd relationship with sexuality. While outwardly adhering to strict moral standards, beneath the veil of respectability a very different country flourished. In an age when it was sometimes deemed improper to say ‘leg’ in mixed company, prostitution was nonetheless rife in all major urban areas. And such contradictory and hypocritical standards were also applied to the bathing habits of the gentry.

Great lengths were taken to keep the sexes apart at the seaside. Women, and sometimes men too, would often enter the water via what were called bathing machines, wooden carts which could be rolled into the sea, from which the user could enter the water without having to see or be seen by the opposite gender. Where there was a mix, women wore full-length petticoats so as to save the sensitive male eye from the Godless female form. But the much-lauded morals of the Victorian establishment were rarely what they seemed, and so it was with their bathing habits.

Whereas the vast majority of resorts adhered to society’s standards, there were others that surreptitiously developed altogether less staid identities. And so it was that the beaches of Britain and Ireland, and indeed much of Europe, began a duel existence that would last throughout the 19th century, and often beyond.

For every fifty beaches where the conventions of society were followed, there was another that flagrantly disregarded them. Places where men and women, and frequently men and men, could interact freely. And it was the latter for which Tramore bay, and particularly the Guillamene, would gain notoriety.

To understand further, we must look back to the origins of Lloyds of London. Originally, Edward Lloyd’s coffee shop was a place where sailors, merchants and ship owners met to discuss shipping matters. Far from the austere insurance firm* it would evolve into, it was then known as a raucous place where no subject was deemed taboo. A very popular topic was the location of what were known as ‘friendly’ ports, or ones where the hard living seaman could expect to have a good time. And it was in this field that the Irish hamlet of Tramore often came up.

For by the early 19th century the town had developed a name as something of a Gomorrah for the restless sailor looking for a bit of R and R, particularly those of a homosexual persuasion. So when the Sea Horse went down in 1816 and Lloyds were commissioned to build a warning for seamen against the perils of the rocks, they took the opportunity to highlight the fact.

And so it was that in 1823 an elegant dandy in tight white trousers, limp wrist pointing downwards towards the rocks below, appeared at the head of Tramore Bay. Of limited worth as a warning against being shipwrecked, it was invaluable to gay seamen looking for a place where they could freely express their sexuality.

The secluded Guillamene became particularly popular. The otherwise clandestine gay community had found a place where they could meet with like-minded people without being judged. And they did so in their droves.

So associated with homosexual activity would the area become known that someone suspected of being gay would often be referred to as ‘a bit of a metal man’. Women too would flock to the bay, knowing that they too could dress as they pleased without fear of being judged or harassed by the opposite sex. Other society ladies would watch from the sidelines, something that was less popular with the bathers. To discourage this, the famous Men Only sign was erected, which of course still stands today.

Nowadays of course, the Guillamene and Metal Man are two of the most popular and important tourist attractions in the town. However it is unfortunate that the true nature of their roots appear to have been whitewashed from history. Could it be that latent homophobia still exists even today? It is to be hoped that we as a town have grown up enough to acknowledge and admit to our very important role in the evolution of the gay movement in these islands. As the Metal Man himself would doubtless say, if but he could, ‘that would be faaaaaaaaaaabulous’.

Amnesty for library fine-dodgers mooted

2008-04-14T13:57:00.000+01:00

Rumours are circulating that Tramore library may be planning an amnesty on heavily overdue books, some of which date back over twenty years. The scheme would greatly increase the library’s stock of books, and allow the offending parties a pathway back in to the town’s literary community.

However the proposal is set to meet with resistance. Many of the library’s law-abiding regulars are furious that the poor behaviour of others looks set to be rewarded.

‘It will really stick in my throat if these scumbags, because that’s what they are, are allowed to come back to the library without any repercussions’ a furious member told me.

‘These are people that have stolen from the community over a period of years, and now honest cardholders like myself are supposed to accommodate them? I don’t think so.

‘And what makes it especially galling is we know who these people are, the dogs on the street know who they are, and now the library committee want to forgive and forget? Well I just don’t know if I can do that!’ he went on.

Others are more stoic on the subject, accepting the need for compromise if the library is to function. ‘We may not like these people’, a library director said, ‘but we have to live with them. Dialogue is always better than confrontation, and I think we should consider how they can benefit the library, instead of dwelling on the past’

The amnesty, should it go ahead, would certainly result in an influx of books, which would at least go someway to off-setting the financial losses from years of overdue and forgotten books. However there is the moral obligation to be factored in too, with many members feeling that they are being penalised for their honesty.

Tramore library has had a chequered past to say the least, with controversy and bad press dogging it ever since it moved to it’s current market square site over twenty years ago. The latest unrest will need to be quickly and smoothly dealt with by management, as the last thing anyone wants is further bad blood.

For everyone’s sake, let’s hope that common sense prevails.

Is Tramore facing a rat epidemic?

2008-03-31T15:14:00.002+01:00

There are growing concerns that Tramore’s rat problem is getting out of hand. The past five years have seen a huge increase in the town’s rodent population - and authorities are at a loss to explain it.

‘It’s bizarre’, a council insider who didn’t wish to be named said. ‘We have some theories as to what might be causing it, but nothing definite. We’ve been doing all we can to keep the problem under wraps, as of course we don’t want to scare away tourists, but it’s getting to crisis point now’.

The most commonly put forward theory is that the explosion in housing in the region has scattered the rat population where once it was condensed. If this were the case, then it would at least suggest that the rat population were not actually increasing. However there are significant flaws in this theory. Most notably, if the cause were increased building developments, surely the problem would have affected many other parts of the country – this doesn’t appear to be the case.

A slightly more far-fetched explanation that has nonetheless been gaining credence is that foreign nationals are breeding them for meat. Rat meat is regularly eaten in some parts of Africa and Asia especially, and it’s certainly feasible that cash strapped immigrants might consider continuing the practice here. There has, however, been no evidence whatsoever to support the speculation.

The problem has been particularly prevalent in the newer estates of Clarinwood and Westbrook. Locals have complained that anything left outside the door, particularly rubbish, is likely to be targeted by the rats. Indeed some residents have gone so far as to suggest forming local task forces, specifically for hunting down the animals, amid growing health concerns.

With the summer season almost upon us, the council’s so far relatively low-key attempts to quash the problem will have to be rapidly stepped up. After last year’s washout, seasonal businesses can’t afford any negative publicity. It is to be hoped that the issue is dealt with swiftly and efficiently for the benefit of all. Does anyone have the pied piper’s number?

What’s REALLY happening on the back-strand

2007-11-07T19:55:00.001Z

The site of the new racecourse on the back strand has naturally been a place of much activity over the past months. However rumours have begun to circulate that something altogether more sinister than the long awaited development may also be taking place. Late night work and unusually high levels of security have contributed to a deepening sense of paranoia in the town.

Originally, the theory being mooted by locals was that the workers had uncovered the remains of an old settlement of possible historical import. While this in itself would neither explain nor justify the secrecy which seems to have surrounded the site, it would at least go some way to explaining the above normal levels of activity.

However a more colourful and somewhat darker rumour which has begun to gain credence is that there is a military or even extra-terrestrial dimension to the excavation, if that’s what it is. Residents in the Riverstown and Bayview areas have complained of bright lights, high-pitched noises and what appear to be late night army manoeuvres...not things you would normally associate either with Tramore or a construction site. Understandably this has set tongues wagging.

The bizarre rumours have not gone unnoticed, and the town has seen a huge influx of ‘UFO tourists’. Local guesthouses have reported unseasonably high bookings, with people coming from far and wide in the hope of perhaps experiencing something remarkable. This is a development which naturally has been welcomed by local businesses.

However the racecourse authorities are unlikely to see it that way, and if they wish to prevent any further unwanted publicity then they must come clean. If there is nothing unusual to report, then they should issue a statement saying so. If there is, and they choose to remain silent, then they shouldn’t be surprised when wild rumours circulate.

In all likelihood, the truth behind the back-strand development is far less mysterious than local gossip may have you believe. But if these rumours are to be put to bed, then it’s incumbent on the racecourse authorities to show their hand.

Is Tramore a town?

2007-11-05T13:54:00.000Z

Tramore would appear to be developing furiously, if one sees development in terms of houses. But what else is there? Can someone please tell me where the town centre actually is?

If we’re talking about amenities, Tramore must surely rate lower than towns with a quarter its population. Take a walk up Main Street, what do you find? Lots of pubs, a couple of fast-food joints, a handful of shops, a few more fast-food joints, and a lot more pubs! In the eyes of most sane people that does not qualify as a town centre. Of course everyone makes their way into Waterford to get things done, but why should they? Surely Tramore should be able to provide for its own.

Nearly 10,000 people now live in Tramore, but how many of them genuinely call it home. For a town to really feel like a home it should be as much as possible be self-containing. No one expects an IKEA on every corner, but a few shops would be nice. And how about a local newspaper! If anything proves that Tramore as an entity doesn’t really exist it’s the absence of a community newspaper. The reason being...there is no community!

People live here alright, we certainly don’t lack for houses, but more often that not it’s because of its proximity to Waterford city. You can’t really blame us, because arguably Tramore isn’t a town at all, just an extended housing estate with a nice beach at the bottom of the hill.

Tramore Surf Nazis

2007-11-02T17:16:00.001Z

Surfers are not a section of society you would generally associate with intolerance, but that very accusation was this summer levelled at them by a number of visiting wave-chasers.

‘Tramore surfers are ridiculously protective of their waves’, a holidaying surfer who didn’t wish to be named claimed. ‘If they don’t recognise you, they’ll warn you not to get in the water. No surfer likes the idea of their beach being overrun but in Tramore they take it to another level. They can be pretty intimidating’.

It’s bizarre that this accusation should be levelled at Tramore surfers, as to a man (and woman) they reject the claim and offer no hint that they are in anyway reluctant to share the sea. Some say that the whole thing’s based on jealousy, and point to the success of the T-Bay surf club. The suggestion is that surf centres in other parts of the country, jealous of T-Bay’s success, have started the rumours out of pure malice.

The rumour carries particular resonance at a time when there are fears that a far-right movement could develop in the south-east. This has its roots in Dunmore East where gang culture appears to be taking a foothold. The Dunmore Gravediggaz is easily the largest and best organised, with large numbers of disaffected Dunmore youth aligning themselves to the group. While they have expressed no particular right-wing leanings, with many members in fact being non-white, the fear is that their popularity could lead to more political rival gangs evolving. Swastikas now appear to be the graffiti of choice for the Tramore youth, and Garda sources have expressed fears that this may ultimately evolve into an organised alternative to the Dunmore movement, and subsequent conflict.

It won’t be the first time that the Big T has faced a threat from hooligan elements masquerading as political activists. In 2002, an organisation (or possibly individual) calling itself Rage Against Tramore, or RAT (no, really), sent a missive to local media and Gardai expressing its vision as to how best to ‘clean up’ the town. Let’s just say baseball bats played a prominent role in their idyllic future world. Thankfully this less than sophisticated world vision was not one shared by most Tramorites, and they were never heard of again. Let’s hope for no resurgence of these politics of hate.

Ireland's largest mosque for Tramore?

2007-11-01T20:43:00.000Z

The possibilities for the much-lamented (well, possibly..) South building, once home to the largest indoor music arena outside of Dublin, have been oft discussed by Tramore folk. Flats, a hotel, a sports centre...all have been mooted. But insider reports are now predicting a new and entirely unexpected future for the site.

The steady rise of the Islamic population in Tramore and the south-east generally has been obvious to all over the years. They have long been looking for a place of worship and local community leaders have been eyeing up South as a possible home. The Islamic community in the region are delighted with the development, and are said to be close to reaching an agreement with the site’s owners.

The funding of the project could prove controversial, though. Much of the money for the project is expected to come through the coffers of the Love Islam organization, a loose alliance of Islamic agencies whose chief aim is to promote the religion internationally. However recently published reports have suggested links with extremist groups in the UK and middle-east. Though strenuously denied by a Love Islam spokesman, the accusation is sure to raise questions.

The prospective mosque raises other issues too. The early morning call to prayers may not go down too well with non-Muslim neighbours. And how will worshippers react to the decidedly non-Islamic ways of many of the town’s inhabitants. Whatever happens, if it goes ahead it’s certain to be another colourful (no pun intended) chapter in the site’s recent history.

Not-so-Grand Hotel

2007-11-01T17:31:00.000Z

Anyone who really believes the Celtic Tiger has changed the face of Ireland has surely never been to Tramore. Here our a few examples;

The Grand Hotel – situated in the heart of the town, and at one of its highest points, the not-so-grand hotel has a responsibility to the town to look nice. Visible from almost any point on the strand, it’s second only to the church as a town landmark. So what do the esteemed owners of this iconic presence do? Nothing, that’s what. In my 30 years living in Tramore, this dirty brown eye-sore does not appear to have had a single lick of paint. What a glorious sight it must be to the holidaying throngs every summer as they drive into town. Sea shimmering on their left, Cliff road and the metal man visible in the distance, and peering down over them...a brown monolith which would have had communist Russian architects calling in the bulldozers. Nice joke, they would think, calling it the Grand Hotel. That would be the famed Irish wit.

Except it’s not! Perhaps it’s complacency – they do after all have a large chunk of the market sown up – or maybe just plain laziness. Whatever it is, the management of the seemingly now re-named Rand Hotel (that’s what it was called last time I looked) have shown wilful neglect in failing to live up to their assumed responsibility, placed upon them by virtue of owning such prime real estate. The building looks like something the Bulgarian politburo may have erected in 1974, so why not adopt the traditional tactics of our former Eastern European communist comrades. Privatise the Rand Hotel, give it back to the people, and let the tax-payer pay for the paintjob which its current owners clearly have no intention of doing.

More of Tramore’s aesthetic delights to follow...