Fat fuck in yellow jacket seen riding a bike

There have been widespread sightings in the Tramore area of what has been described as a ‘big fat fuck in a yellow jacket cycling around the place’.

Little is certain about the cyclist except that the subject is male, wears a yellow jacket and, as one witness put, ‘is a great big wobbly bucket of lard’. So far he has been spotted in a number of locations around the town and in Waterford city, and the site of the portly peddler has set tongues wagging throughout the district.

Taken individually, it is nothing unusual, but it’s the combination of his physique, his riding of a bicycle and the fact that he is wearing a yellow jacket that has created the stir. As one witness said, ‘I’ve seen plenty of stumpy fucks in my time but never one like this lardy arsed bollocks! And never one wearing a yellow jacket and riding a bike at the same time. I couldn’t fucking believe it! I mean, what are the chances?’

For how long the peddling pudding in yellow will be on the scene is hard to know. He’s certainly attracting interest. While it could be argued that he can’t be blamed if people are drawn to him, others are less charitable about his motives.

‘You can’t tell me he’s not looking for attention. He’s a great big barrel of blubber, with a dirty great big heaving, floppy arse hanging over the seat of his bike. And what’s with the yellow jacket? I mean, come on!’

What happens next is anyone’s guess. It could be that he will soon go to ground in the wake of all the adverse publicity surrounding him and his possible motives. However, with so little known about him, who’s to say what his next move will be. There have already been unconfirmed sighting in the Woodstown area of what a witness described as a ‘fat, slimy sack of shit riding a bike’. It would appear that far from going quietly, he intends to expand his domain.

We await his next move with interest.

Foul stench coming from Dunmore East

What is the extraordinarily pungent smell that has been hanging like a cloud over Dunmore East recently?

First appearing sometime in mid-March, it has got progressively worse and has begun to spread towards Tramore. People have struggled to find words to accurately describe the stench, being variously described as like ‘a family of chipmunks who’ve been eating nothing but pilchards and cottage cheese for a month’, and ‘a walrus with a three week old avocado in one ear, a stuffed parsnip in the other, and a decomposing ferret hanging from it’s tusks’.

Whatever way you wish to describe it, what is undeniable is that the smell is not pleasant. Dunmore residents have taken to wearing gas masks to escape the smell. The fear now is that the putrid whiff will reach Tramore, with Pickardstown residents already complaining that washing left out to dry often comes in, and I quote, smelling ‘like a Belarusian chimney sweep’s been smoking kippers off it’.

The danger is that the whiff may reach the strand area. With the dump now consigned to history and a blue flag restored, the last thing Tramore needs is a smell, described by one Dunmore resident as like a ‘cancerous mongoose’, hanging over it. The council are said to be working frantically behind the scenes to prevent the odorous cloud reaching the town.

At this stage it would appear council authorities are pursuing a policy of containment rather than eradication, as no one has been able to establish the source of the smell. Experts have been called in from as far a field as Rathgormack and Portlaw to attempt to solve the puzzle, but are said to be baffled by the problem. One eminent scientist working on the case said ‘I’ve never come across anything like it. It smells like a sack of onions that have been coated in marmalade and stuffed inside a dead otter’s rotting carcass’.

Talk of a foul odour emitting from Dunmore will come as no surprise to Tramorites of a certain vintage. Many have long considered their Dunmore neighbours to have a particular smell. This dates back to the 1930s, when a common expression in the region was ‘smelly as a Dunmore man’.

One oft-recounted story, as recently as 1974, is of a wedding of a couple of mixed stock. It is said the Tramore half of the attendants got violently sick such was the awful stench emanating from the other half of the congregation. According to one celebrant, the smell was ‘like a bag of weasels, soaked in red lemonade, and left to gestate under a Ukrainian fisherman’s bed’.

However up to this point no one has ever suggested that the Dunmore scent, if such a thing exists, is independent of its inhabitants. If this is the case, and it’s moving, it could prove a disaster for a Tramore still reeling from the discovery of a two-headed rat on the backstrand as well as a possible outbreak of the more traditional one-headed version of the species (see below). It’s incumbent on our leaders that they contain this awful reek…how much more can we take?

Protestants on the rise

It is being whispered that higher echelons of the Catholic Church in Tramore and county are getting increasingly concerned at the perceived increased influence of ‘alien’ religions in the region, specifically Protestantism.

Historically looked on as a West Brit stronghold by outsiders, Tramore has long had to struggle to prove its Catholic, and therefore ‘Irish', credentials. The church has been at the forefront of this theological battle, and has generally succeeded. However they are now said to be worried that their considerable influence in the town is waning.

It is said that they are laying the blame for their demise on the increased influence of Protestantism in the town. While the faith has a long history in the town, its members have generally shied away from promoting their standards and beliefs too visibly. However with their influence and numbers growing all the time, they are at last beginning to come out of the shadows.

Of course most Tramorites, whatever the faith, will be delighted to see different religious denominations coming to the forefront of town life. To many, protestant values will be a welcome counterpoint to the slovenly, ill-disciplined, drunken, sexually deviant and generally immoral ways that have, perhaps unfairly, come to be associated with Catholicism.

The catholic hierarchy, however, may look on things somewhat differently. While most will plead for a continuation of the present, occasionally tense, truce between the faiths, there are others who will take a more aggressive standpoint.

There has already been a marked chill in relationships with another even smaller minority religion. One prominent catholic recently complained that ‘you can’t walk down Main Street without stepping over bloody Talibanis (racist slur for Muslims) praying towards the Metal Man (the Metal Man lies in the path of Mecca)’, showing a staggering insensitivity and ignorance of the Islamic faith.

Indeed the increase in faiths has begun to influence all manner of facets of Irish life. A recent hurling match was delayed when one of the players, a practising Buddhist, attempted to set fire to himself in protest at a disputed goal.

It is to be hoped that, rather than attempt to stamp out disparate faiths, our religious leaders can instead welcome them. It is imperative on the catholic clergy that, instead of trying to crush dissenters of the ‘one true faith’, they revel in the diversity. If Portlaw can do it, so can we!

Pregnant two-headed rat found on backstrand

The bizarre discovery of a two-headed rat near the waste disposal unit on the site of the old dump this weekend could not have come at a worse time for council authorities, already having to deal with fears that the town’s vermin population is getting out of hand (see 'Is Tramore facing a rat epidemic?' below).

A local man dropping off unwanted electrical appliances at the site made the find. Perhaps even more disconcerting, the creature appeared to be female, and bore signs of having just given birth. Whether this is cause for undue concern, or merely a one-off freak of nature, remains to be seen.

Either way, it is in an unfortunate development that has lead to a swathe of possible explanations, many relating to the highly secretive racecourse development on the backstrand (see 'What’s REALLY happening on the back-strand' below).

More on this story to follow….

Will the real Metal Man please stand up!

Ah the Metal Man, beloved symbol of Tramore. Eternally warding off would be shipwreckees from the rocks below merely by pointing at them. And dressed as 19th century dandy to boot! It’s actually a little odd when you get to thinking about it.

The slightly camp manner of the great (metal) man is generally overlooked by Tramorites. As the sun rises in the east, so too does the metal man stand, in all his heterosexual pomp, ever pointing seawards. The whys and wherefores have long since been forgotten. He is simply the Metal Man, ‘nuff said.

So is the MM all he pertains to be? Was he the best that Lloyds of London could come up with in 1823 as they pondered how best to lead wayward sailors away from the perilous rocks below? Or did he perhaps serve another purpose? Students of Victorian Britain’s bathing habits have long suggested the latter was the case.

19th Britain had an odd relationship with sexuality. While outwardly adhering to strict moral standards, beneath the veil of respectability a very different country flourished. In an age when it was sometimes deemed improper to say ‘leg’ in mixed company, prostitution was nonetheless rife in all major urban areas. And such contradictory and hypocritical standards were also applied to the bathing habits of the gentry.

Great lengths were taken to keep the sexes apart at the seaside. Women, and sometimes men too, would often enter the water via what were called bathing machines, wooden carts which could be rolled into the sea, from which the user could enter the water without having to see or be seen by the opposite gender. Where there was a mix, women wore full-length petticoats so as to save the sensitive male eye from the Godless female form. But the much-lauded morals of the Victorian establishment were rarely what they seemed, and so it was with their bathing habits.

Whereas the vast majority of resorts adhered to society’s standards, there were others that surreptitiously developed altogether less staid identities. And so it was that the beaches of Britain and Ireland, and indeed much of Europe, began a duel existence that would last throughout the 19th century, and often beyond.

For every fifty beaches where the conventions of society were followed, there was another that flagrantly disregarded them. Places where men and women, and frequently men and men, could interact freely. And it was the latter for which Tramore bay, and particularly the Guillamene, would gain notoriety.

To understand further, we must look back to the origins of Lloyds of London. Originally, Edward Lloyd’s coffee shop was a place where sailors, merchants and ship owners met to discuss shipping matters. Far from the austere insurance firm* it would evolve into, it was then known as a raucous place where no subject was deemed taboo. A very popular topic was the location of what were known as ‘friendly’ ports, or ones where the hard living seaman could expect to have a good time. And it was in this field that the Irish hamlet of Tramore often came up.

For by the early 19th century the town had developed a name as something of a Gomorrah for the restless sailor looking for a bit of R and R, particularly those of a homosexual persuasion. So when the Sea Horse went down in 1816 and Lloyds were commissioned to build a warning for seamen against the perils of the rocks, they took the opportunity to highlight the fact.

And so it was that in 1823 an elegant dandy in tight white trousers, limp wrist pointing downwards towards the rocks below, appeared at the head of Tramore Bay. Of limited worth as a warning against being shipwrecked, it was invaluable to gay seamen looking for a place where they could freely express their sexuality.

The secluded Guillamene became particularly popular. The otherwise clandestine gay community had found a place where they could meet with like-minded people without being judged. And they did so in their droves.

So associated with homosexual activity would the area become known that someone suspected of being gay would often be referred to as ‘a bit of a metal man’. Women too would flock to the bay, knowing that they too could dress as they pleased without fear of being judged or harassed by the opposite sex. Other society ladies would watch from the sidelines, something that was less popular with the bathers. To discourage this, the famous Men Only sign was erected, which of course still stands today.

Nowadays of course, the Guillamene and Metal Man are two of the most popular and important tourist attractions in the town. However it is unfortunate that the true nature of their roots appear to have been whitewashed from history. Could it be that latent homophobia still exists even today? It is to be hoped that we as a town have grown up enough to acknowledge and admit to our very important role in the evolution of the gay movement in these islands. As the Metal Man himself would doubtless say, if but he could, ‘that would be faaaaaaaaaaabulous’.

Amnesty for library fine-dodgers mooted

Rumours are circulating that Tramore library may be planning an amnesty on heavily overdue books, some of which date back over twenty years. The scheme would greatly increase the library’s stock of books, and allow the offending parties a pathway back in to the town’s literary community.

However the proposal is set to meet with resistance. Many of the library’s law-abiding regulars are furious that the poor behaviour of others looks set to be rewarded.

‘It will really stick in my throat if these scumbags, because that’s what they are, are allowed to come back to the library without any repercussions’ a furious member told me.

‘These are people that have stolen from the community over a period of years, and now honest cardholders like myself are supposed to accommodate them? I don’t think so.

‘And what makes it especially galling is we know who these people are, the dogs on the street know who they are, and now the library committee want to forgive and forget? Well I just don’t know if I can do that!’ he went on.

Others are more stoic on the subject, accepting the need for compromise if the library is to function. ‘We may not like these people’, a library director said, ‘but we have to live with them. Dialogue is always better than confrontation, and I think we should consider how they can benefit the library, instead of dwelling on the past’

The amnesty, should it go ahead, would certainly result in an influx of books, which would at least go someway to off-setting the financial losses from years of overdue and forgotten books. However there is the moral obligation to be factored in too, with many members feeling that they are being penalised for their honesty.

Tramore library has had a chequered past to say the least, with controversy and bad press dogging it ever since it moved to it’s current market square site over twenty years ago. The latest unrest will need to be quickly and smoothly dealt with by management, as the last thing anyone wants is further bad blood.

For everyone’s sake, let’s hope that common sense prevails.

Is Tramore facing a rat epidemic?

There are growing concerns that Tramore’s rat problem is getting out of hand. The past five years have seen a huge increase in the town’s rodent population - and authorities are at a loss to explain it.

‘It’s bizarre’, a council insider who didn’t wish to be named said. ‘We have some theories as to what might be causing it, but nothing definite. We’ve been doing all we can to keep the problem under wraps, as of course we don’t want to scare away tourists, but it’s getting to crisis point now’.

The most commonly put forward theory is that the explosion in housing in the region has scattered the rat population where once it was condensed. If this were the case, then it would at least suggest that the rat population were not actually increasing. However there are significant flaws in this theory. Most notably, if the cause were increased building developments, surely the problem would have affected many other parts of the country – this doesn’t appear to be the case.

A slightly more far-fetched explanation that has nonetheless been gaining credence is that foreign nationals are breeding them for meat. Rat meat is regularly eaten in some parts of Africa and Asia especially, and it’s certainly feasible that cash strapped immigrants might consider continuing the practice here. There has, however, been no evidence whatsoever to support the speculation.

The problem has been particularly prevalent in the newer estates of Clarinwood and Westbrook. Locals have complained that anything left outside the door, particularly rubbish, is likely to be targeted by the rats. Indeed some residents have gone so far as to suggest forming local task forces, specifically for hunting down the animals, amid growing health concerns.

With the summer season almost upon us, the council’s so far relatively low-key attempts to quash the problem will have to be rapidly stepped up. After last year’s washout, seasonal businesses can’t afford any negative publicity. It is to be hoped that the issue is dealt with swiftly and efficiently for the benefit of all. Does anyone have the pied piper’s number?